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Very serious guide to Kingdom Come: Deliverance II
21.08.2026 21:13
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1. Welcome back, you're still nobody
Congratulations! You've returned to medieval Bohemia and guess what? Nothing has changed.
You're still not special. Not even a little bit. Those NPCs who look at you like you're dirt? They still don't care about you. The guards who hated you in the first game? They hate you even more now. Your reputation, if you can even call it that, is being held together by pure luck and whatever lies you can come up with on the spot.
Oh, and did you think your progress would carry over? That's adorable. No. No, it doesn't.
But that trauma you built up from the first game? Oh yeah, that's still there. You're carrying all of that emotional baggage with you. Welcome back, Henry. You're home.
2. Combat → now with extra humiliation
So you thought you got good at combat in the first game, huh? You thought you'd mastered the system, learned all the tricks, and could handle yourself against anyone? That's cute.
Let me tell you how it really works now. Enemies block everything you throw at them. Every swing, every stab, every desperate flail, blocked. Your stamina vanishes faster than your will to keep playing. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that a single peasant armed with nothing but a stick can feel like you're fighting a Dark Souls boss.
Here's your pro tip for the day: if you miss three attacks in a row, just give up. Accept your fate. Start panicking. It's canon Henry behavior at this point. The developers designed it that way, I'm sure of it.
3. Horse management simulator 2.0
Let's talk about your horse. The creature that's supposed to be your faithful companion, your mode of transport, your way to escape danger.
Except your horse is brave only when running away from things. It's scared of bushes. A bush. The thing that grows everywhere. And you know what? Your horse is actually the true main character of this game. You're just the guy sitting on top of it, desperately trying to hold on.
If your horse stops suddenly, that's not a glitch. That's a warning. You're about to die. If your horse throws you off, well, you probably deserved it. And if your horse just flat-out refuses to move? That's not a bug. That's a historically accurate medieval experience.
4. Stealth is optional
Here's how the stealth system works in this game. First, you put on dark clothes. That makes sense. Then you move as slowly as humanly possible, which also makes sense. Then you pray. Because let's be honest, you're going to need divine intervention.
And what actually happens? Some guard from across the village hears you breathe from behind a wall. The whole town wakes up. You're now a wanted criminal in four different regions. Congratulations. Achievement unlocked: "Accidentally Started a Small War."
5. Dialogue choices → choose wrong, instantly regret
The dialogue system is beautifully simple. You get three options: Polite, Slightly Rude, or Absolutely Unhinged. All of them seem reasonable at first. You think to yourself, "I'll just pick Slightly Rude. That can't be too bad."
You pick it. Henry opens his mouth. And then he says something so terrible, so utterly life-ruining, that you immediately regret every decision you've ever made. The NPC stares at you with pure hatred and says, "I will remember this forever." And they mean it. They really, truly mean it.
6. Economy → you're poor again
No matter how much money you think you have, it's never enough. Here's why.
Armor repair costs more than you can afford. Food expires faster than you can eat it. And someone will steal your shoes. I don't know who, I don't know why, but it will happen. Someone out there wants your shoes.
If you have money, the game will create expenses to get rid of it. If you don't have money, the game will create suffering to make you wish you did. It's perfectly balanced. And by balanced, I mean completely brutal.
7. Quests: simple task → 12-hour saga
Let me give you an example of how quests work in this game.
The quest description says: "Go talk to a guy." Simple, right? One thing. Easy.
Here's what actually happens. You go to talk to the guy. The guy is gone. His cousin is drunk and unhelpful. Bandits get involved somehow. Then the church shows up. There's a moral dilemma that makes you question your entire existence. You've forgotten why you even started this quest in the first place.
And your reward? Fifteen groschen and enough emotional damage to last a lifetime. Worth it? Absolutely not. But you do it anyway.
8. Bugs are a feature
NPC stuck in a door? That's just medieval architecture. Horse flying across the map? That's historically accurate horse physics. Cutscene chaos? That's the game giving you an authentic experience of what it was like to live in the 15th century.
It's not a bug. It's realism. The developers knew exactly what they were doing.
9. How to actually enjoy the game
Alright, enough joking around. Here's how you actually have fun with this game.
Save often. I mean it. Save every chance you get. You will need those saves.
Accept failure. It's going to happen. A lot. You'll fail quests, you'll fail combat, you'll fail at walking down a hill. It's fine.
Laugh at your pain. If you take this game too seriously, it will break you. Laugh when things go wrong. They will.
Roleplay as a confused medieval man. Henry doesn't know what he's doing. Lean into it.
Don't rush. The game will punish you for trying to speed through it. Take your time. Explore. Get lost. It's more fun that way.
Final Advice
Kingdom Come: Deliverance II isn't about winning. It's not about being the best, or having the best gear, or beating every enemy you come across. It's about surviving with whatever dignity you can scrape together. And honestly? That's optional.
You will fail. You will reload. You will scream at your screen. And then you will keep playing because somehow, despite all of it, you still love this game.
10 out of 10 for realism. I would absolutely get arrested again.
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